My Comfort(er)

As I sit here watching Good Morning America, listening to a children's choir offer us condolence through the words of Amazing Grace, I am so grateful for my salvation.

I have shared with friends and family, as we have all discussed the tragedy at Sandy Hooks Elementary School this weekend, I cannot imagine the fear in the adults minds.  The children, yes, its terrifying I have no doubt and am not discounting that, but as a mother of 3 young children, I also know fear is different when you don't fully understand all the evil around you.  The teacher who sought protection with her students in the bathroom said one little boy said he knew karate and would go out first. I think this perfectly sums up the innocence of little ones.  The teacher on the other hand was sure they were all going to die.  Its a fear I cannot imagine.

So many people have questioned a God that would allow this to happen.  I am going to explain this in the way I (personally) understand this.

We are fallen.  When God created Adam and Eve, it was a perfect world.  They had all the "good" things they needed.  They were told to avoid the one "bad" they DIDN'T EVEN NEED.  How often this is true for me.  I have all the good I need.  All the good I need to survive, to be full, all the opportunities to make the right choices.  They allowed a voice to convince them there was something a little bit better lying there in the bad they were told to refrain from.  How often this is true for me.  There must be something better in that bad decision I will choose to make again.  Sure, I remember clearly regretting it last time.  But, surely it will turn out different this time.  God, the Father, gave them the choice to make their decisions, but he also loved them deeply after that bad decision.  How often this is true for me.  As parent, I do not love my child less today because of their bad yesterday.  

I serve a God who doesn't make the bad things happen, but loves deeply when His children do bad things.

I also serve a God, that through my belief and relationship with his son Jesus, I have a promise of eternity.  A promise that after our miscarriage 11 years ago, I clung to for life.  A promise that reminds me constantly that  this world IS. NOT. ALL.  As much pain as our flesh can feel here, there is an ultimate healing there where no pain will be felt.  I know too that being there is much better than being here.  I will not miss this.  I will not long and ache for this world left behind.  I will gladly give this up for that.  I am so grateful today for this reminder.  This reminder has brought me comfort this fear filled weekend.

God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.  John 3:16

If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  Romans 10:9

Where I Was

I have decided to write my memories (as I recall them 11 years later to the date) for my children.  As they learn this piece of history during their lifetimes, history Jadyn missed by 10 months, I want them to hear my memories.  Where I was and what I remember thinking and feeling.

September 11, 2001.

Like everyday, it's 7:50am and I am seating myself behind a front desk at Builder's First Source.  Megan walks in, late as usual.  I can picture her in this moment incredibly clear still today.  She rounds the end of the desks on my right and says, "Did you hear about the plane hitting the World Trade Center?".  This is the first I have heard.

Answering my now ringing phone, I am asked an almost identical question now from one of my regular superintendents.

I am embarrassed to admit, but I recall wondering what all the fuss was about.  Tragic for the plane and its passengers, yes, but I had never had this many people so concerned with the news.

Then came the call informing us that the second tower was hit.  Now we know.  We don't know what, who or why, but we know something is terribly wrong.

Someone, I cannot recall who, leaves the office to return a few minutes later with a television.   The remainder of our morning is spent watching events unfold as reported to us by ABC News (Charlie Gibson stands out most in my mind).

Watching the horrific images play out in front of me, people jumping, listening to the fear in the anchors voices as they report this to us...even still, 11 years old later, my eyes swell with tears, and I have an immediate hollow feeling in my stomach.   Heart absolutely broken for those in New York,  DC, and Pennsylvania, unable to imagine the pure terror, fear and loss they were all experiencing.

I do, however, remember leaving the office for lunch, passing crowded gas stations as fear drove people to fill up their tanks.  I remember eating my lunch in my car, alone, at Bear Creek Park, listening to KSBJ.  In the mist of this national tragedy, they had chosen to fill the air with worship music rather than another recount of the events.  They knew the news updates would easily be found elsewhere so they chose to provide a quiet, peaceful, still place for hearts to be comforted.

I have no doubt that the days, weeks and apparently years to come, were filled with the images being replayed on the television and radio, but the truth is my most vivid memories lead up to my lunch hour.  I was still so new in my walk with Christ.  No doubt, my faith was strengthened that day as I so clearly began to understand "Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. "  Philippians  4:6-7 from the Message